[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ ˚. ᵎ i love the idea of laying my thoughts out, with no trace back to me. to you, i'm just a stranger, and you can read my entire life because i'm oversharing on this silly little page. i think this is oddly comforting, i think it's oddly comforting to read someone else's thoughts, but that's just me. i want to have no filter on here.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i'm also starting this page because i'm very interested in documenting my life in some way, reading back on how things have changed over the years, i love the idea of starting something like that. i've been journaling for a while, but i wanna take it to a personal blog, i love this. i hope in some microsopic way this can be inspirational to you, or whoever happens to read this.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i'm not intending on anyone to see this, but if you do, hello. all you need to know is i'm a 16 year old girl at the time of writing this, and this is my life, and you're reading my life. there are no external links to this page. ୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ. .・。.・゜✭・.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ he's been upsetting me, i only want him but he's been talking to other girls. i feel like he doesn't know that i want him. he told me he loves me and wants us to be something, but i see him add other girls. it's been confusing with him. i don't like the way i'm affected by him emotionally.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i want nothing more than a deep conversation with him, i think he wants that too, but we don't know where to start. it's frustrating because i want to know him soso badly,and he wants to know me. i feel like the more i care about him, the more i end up hurt. it's like he doesn't know that i care, but i do. i care so helplessly. i want to distance myself from him because i don't want to end up hurt. i don't know what we are. we're so complicated.

୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ. .・。.・゜✭・.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ today was valentines day, and i bought myself a pretty pink rose. it's a pretty baby pink, (so pink so pretttyyy), i'm preserving it in my room on my bedside table. it isn't just a rose to me, it's symbolic, metaphorical. the baby pink rose is myself, my purity and love of myself. i feel so beautiful and feminine, i feel delicate and gentle. i bought some small makeup items i've been wanting recently, i did my makeup and hair so nicely today. i curled the ends of my hair outwards with a roundbrush. my nails looked pretty and long, too. i've been missing having pretty press on nails, i've gotten used to having 1 inch long press-ons and i've missed having them.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i deep cleaned my room, admired my space, and my pretty singular rose. i know that no matter what i feel in my life, no matter what happens, there's always a point where energy flows and i will be brought back to a state of peace. a state of stillness, being at ease. i know this because energy is in constant motion, nothing ever stays the same, not even you. not even me, and i make peace with this tonight. i welcome change for me, and hopefully you welcome it for you, too.

goodnight. ୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ. .・。.・゜✭・.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i havent wrote in a long time, i havent been on my laptop that often. things have been changing in my life recently. honestly i'm soso excited about this page, i didn't expect a lot of people to read my thoughts, it's immeasureable to me and very meaningful. ୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ. .・。.・゜✭・.<

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ 𓊆ྀི to the core . . . 𓊇ྀི i felt at 15 that i knew who i was, or i knew myself to my core, and i didnt. im not just talking about what i find myself passionate in, what things i associate with me, but something deeper. i crave nothing more than to open up my soul and experience it, watch it, be in its presence, in whatever form it may take. it's hard to conceptualize something that is so formless. maybe i am reaching for something i will never truly grasp or find, but i crave to know myself on a level infinitely deeper than mundane things, this is something that will never come to fruition. obviously i cannot hold my soul, and examine it, but i wish that i could.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ recently the idea of nothingness has been quite striking, and very idyllic for me. in a comforting way, to simply be deprived of all senses, without sight, touch, hearing, smell, in complete darkness. not just sitting in a dark room, but a sensory deprivation tank, something similar before being born, thats the only way i could describe “nothingness” which is also, something so hard to conceptualize because it is so formless, but this is what makes it intriguing to me. maybe this is my way of reaching for things that i will never find the answer to.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ 𓊆ྀི yearning to experience . . . 𓊇ྀིi'm very excited for summer, i've spent so much time in isolation, i wish that i had more friends to go out and do things with, theres so many things i've been wanting to do recently, like go thrifting, i wanna try skate-boarding, learning the guitar, and maybe piano because it's so prettyy. i can't wait to get a job so i can make friends, my parents travel for work so they have me homeschooled, because they don't want to pull me in and out of schools :heartbroken: i hate it here. i've had enough time to girl-rot. i miss having friends.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ i think about this so often, the idea of myself being perceived by others is so strange to me. when people see me, they probably just think i'm pretty, but under this body and skin i have a soul and constellations of thought and feeling inside, they will never truly know me to my core, and this aches at me slowly.

[.・。.・゜✭・.୭ 𓊆ྀི present . . . presentness 𓊇ྀི i think theres such a beauty of being in the present moment, such an ornate beauty in the most mundane of things. i love to look at things with meaningful eyes. right now as im righting this, i have a candle lit and it smells heavenly. (bourbon pecan pie) it's so gourmand, it smells so edible.